Personal Journey: Day 1 of New Workout Routine

I am 45 years old. I let my hair go gray—not because I don't care, but because it's freeing to be me. I'm not hiding behind a box of color, and I don't worry about the wind blowing my part and giving my true age away. I'm strong. I can last through an intense HIIT with some truly fit individuals- and still lead the group to push themselves further. I could climb out of bed and run five or more miles on any given day— albeit slowly.

I also have all those annoying changes that women my age face- crepey, cottage-cheesy skin where there were smooth places just a year ago. My stomach is rounder than it used to be and the thought of a bikini is as close to a nightmare as they come- again, just two years ago, I'd have been ready to go with my hip bones showing.

Today, I want to start a fresh workout program- and really commit because while I am strong, I want to look it, too. While I feel young, I want my outsides to match my insides. I need to believe in myself and that means I need to continue to improve my health.

My scale reads 147.7 today. Hormones, habits, and medicine have contributed to this number. I never cared about numbers before, but now- the numbers connect to statistics in my mind and those stats are saying my heart is at greater risk. I already have an implanted heart monitor. The fact is, I will be healthier 10-20 lbs lighter. I'm 5'4 so this puts my BMI at 25.2. The scale says that my body fat is at 35.3, muscle mass 88.4, bone mass 7.3, and water weight is at 70.3.

Thoughts flash through my mind. Is the scale lying? I've never been here before. I think this is my pregnancy weight. How can my clients trust me if my numbers aren't what they should be?

My rational mind says That's horseshit. I'm human and I can toss my three-year-old nephew around like I'm a living jungle gym. Who cares? I have to talk to myself like I talk to my clients- with that ultimate support, honesty, and care.

I'm a personal trainer, this should be easy- but I fear my body has changed enough that I'm not confident it will be. I feel like an imposter sometimes. I need to be a product of my product- and that means I need to look great, feel good, and balance. Breathe, Lee. You are perfectly imperfect and every journey has a moment or thirty like this. We can do hard things.

So, I'm documenting my journey. for personal accountability and so others know they aren't alone. I need to continue affirmations to improve my mental health, focus on gratitude, eat well, hydrate, and put in the work.

I understand that some people might view these photos and resent me for suggesting there's anything that needs altering, while others might be surprised that I don't resemble the airbrushed, skin-revealing personal trainers on Instagram.

But I know me. I know I am doing really well, and I know how I can do better. I want to also be strong enough to throw my sons' kids around like I'm a jungle gym. I have years to go. That means the strength I have right now matters.

So, here I go. Pray for me.

My measurements:

chest 35.5

left arm 11.5

right arm 11.5

waist at the belly button 34

hips 37.25

left thigh 23

right thigh 23.25

Total inches: 176

Day 1: Chest and Biceps 40 minutes weight lifting