The rain outside the window is Heavenly. It envelopes the green leaves of my hibiscus and drips down to the vegetable garden below. Birds sing and chirp merrily. Finally, the worms will be easy to take, the soil is soft and yielding. There is a slowness, a blanketing, from inside my quiet house, a calling and stirring inside my heart... yet there is also an ease- like the sensation of slipping into your softest pair of slippers but these are hugging your core.
I've been sifting through my soul- exploring the granules and looking for gems- the way an eager three year old with a plastic beach toy- searches for treasure. There have been rocks inside me- buried along my shores- pieces that merely exist now. They've been covered with years of sand and sea glass, taking up space in an uncomfortable way for some time- resisting the ocean waves.
Now, I explore them with curiosity. I'm ready to offer them forgiveness- for the harsh and hard experiences they brought me. For the pain they caused when hurtled at me- for the once insidiuos way they wounded and embedded in me- without permission and often unwarranted. I release the power of them now.
I know them now as a foundation- a moment of pain that created a ripple of learning. Like any memory of hurt- we can't give that memory away. BUT, we can release the hurt part we assigned to it. I cast the hurt away with a prayer of forgiveness. Forgiveness for the people who harmed me. Forgiveness and understanding- it wasn't about me at all anyway. I don't have to own that hurt anymore. I don't have to give it power.
Sifting through the soul is confusing and often too much feeling now and too little feeling then- sometimes skating on the surface when you want to dive deep but you just aren't ready. Sometimes it yields much information and, yet, it often answers, "wait". It is flying away and tethering down... always returning to the core. It can feel like your body is being whisked away and lifted by invisible fingers to the universe while your own-the fingers of one hand are anchored to this Earth by a single blade of grass.
What am I sifting for? Guidance. Affirmation that I am aligned with my purpose that I am spending this blink of an eye in this body in the most impactful and positive way. Next steps- seeking out the places inside that long to heal and providing that light and space to do so. Love. Do I love and am I loved well? Worth. Seeking and finding that reminder that I am an integral part of this existence and evidence of our connection amidst so much division. I am a keeper of the light. I am a reminder of the hope. I am a part of the peace and an eager holder of the hands.
What I lack as a teacher of skills I more than make up for as a seeker and reflector of my student's beauty and strength. I can pull out a magnifying glass and show someone the diamonds in their beach that they didn't see as more than a lump in the sand. It's time to find mine now.
So much love and light,