For the past two weeks, life has been very challenging. I've been stretched to the limit as a mother, a human, a friend. Simple tasks have been daunting. I have made mistakes that most aware human adults wouldn't make. Not life or death mistakes- but simple, stupid, frustrating ones.
I've been searching for the ways to navigate this heartache. My workouts have helped. Meditation has been more laborious, but helps when I get there. The sunshine has helped. Family has helped. Friends... well, truth be told, I only opened up to a few about what has been happening and one, only one, has reached out regularly to help. By help, I mean, simply checking in- showing love.
People are busy. Life is complicated. As I consider the rabbit hole of- am I not a good enough friend to others.... don't I deserve love and care? I remember three little girls I took under my wing for 2 and a half years for a friend as she struggled with cancer. I remember the family we delivered meals to and took time to invite their son so they could heal from injury. I recall the friend, who in a similar situation, we offered rides, food, childcare. I DO deserve good friends.
So, here I am... searching to understand why I feel so alone? I haven't forgotten my one person who has been like family and checked in every single day- since learning about what is going on. What of the others?
A Course in Miracles would say that every relationship is a mirror about how we feel about ourself. Maybe I've attracted this? Either way, the judgements I make now are also a reflection of myself. So, instead of judging and feeling isolated, I am vowing to make a different choice.
I am choosing to see love instead of anger. I can't promise that I'm not hurt and sad. Dear inner guide, please help me in this process.
I know that all friendships serve different purposes, and I am not crossing anyone off of my list. BUT, I am also learning through this. I'm sure there have been times my friends were in need and I didn't reach out enough- didn't show up for them. This is a lesson about who I want to be going forward for my friends. This is a lesson to have gratitude for the people who DO show up. A simple text- a lunch sent to the house, a hug emoji- small moments of care that let me know there is hope. This is a lesson to be patient but also, to recognize the place I hold for the people I thought loved me. For some, love maybe more conditional than I thought. For others, they may just be too busy to remember to show it. Either way, we are all human.
Tonight, I will spend more time in meditation. I will send light and love to all of my circles- knowing that I can't choose for others who they'll show up for me, but wanting in my heart, to be a truly loving friend no matter what. Tonight, I will focus my attention on gratitude for all I now learn.
Today, I see all of my relationships as learning opportunities.
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Intuitive mother, writer, teacher, wellness coach, daughter, wife, friend and advocate for true belonging and self love.