Yesterday, I felt like crying off and on- a lot. It kept surfacing the way a sea bean must... as the tide buoys it along for years. There was a pain that felt familiar- like a silvery bit of flesh we realize is, "That scar from when we fell on roller skates while listening to Johnny Be Good on the boom box." That sea bean- that scar- they are floating for years on the surface- with little acknowledgement- until finally, a wave crests and we catch glimpse of it or we finally get around to shaving our legs (it's the winter- am I right, ladies?) and we recall the curvature of flesh that has healed.
Some wounds are like that- just floating along until we are willing to recognize them. The scar might not fade completely but we can release the old hurt. The sea bean will never return to the island it left- but we can examine it and appreciate it- instead of planting it and allowing it to grow. The body work we are doing right now- the illness I am trying to heal right now is all so poignant as I travel through this 40 Day May Cause Miracle Challenge.
Gabby shared toward the end of the daily work:
"Sickness is anger taken out on the body so it can suffer pain." This kind of self-inflicted pain is hard to wrap my mind around, though I believe it to be true. How can I heal it?
Gabby says, our ego has caused us to think we are separate from others- this leads to comparison and feeds our desire to overcome our fears by overeating, under-eating, abusing substances or sex. Gabby and A Course in Miracles ask us to observe the ways in which our ego has tricked us into thinking we aren't good enough, that we can use or abuse our bodies to gain power, or how we should numb ourselves by treating our bodies in a way that is not loving.
Moving away from body fear, we can choose love instead of attacking ourselves. When we notice ourselves comparing, feeling our body is more or less special than others, when we flaunt our body or numb it, we can recite the affirmation and begin to replace our negative behaviors and self attack with more positive soul-inspired thoughts.
In the evening, the reflection is an opportunity to observe our addictive behaviors, chaotic thoughts and abuse of the ego. Gabby suggests that this can help us to disempower the ego which drives our fear.
I love the ocean. I love sea beans. I don't even mind that little, silver, crescent piece of flesh on my knee. I still love, "Johnny Be Good."
There's room to love myself and change my thoughts. There's room to heal.
Are you willing to look at your own behaviors and change them? I will be working on eating to nourish, releasing some of the pressure to look a certain way- as I've always felt the power behind beautiful things... the lure of perfecting or improving appearances to be more "lovable".
We can change if we do it together... you on your journey- me on mine. We can do it if we have faith and take the time to be patient with ourselves, but real, too.
Love yourself today.
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